Happy Monday! I hope you all had a great weekend. We are in the countdown of Turkey Day – woohoo! Ready to eat some good food Thursday (and leftovers on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday).

I hesitated a little on writing this post because I don’t really like putting non-positive things out there but, here we are. I decided to participate in the 10-year challenge with an ’09 vs ’19 picture and it is quite interesting to see the difference. I was just a different person back then and a lot has happened in 10 years. I started going through different pictures throughout the years and that was almost more interesting. Especially seeing yourself months a part and how much you change on the outside. I like (and rightfully so) having facial hair. It’s makeup for men for sure!!

As I looked through my old pictures, I noticed how in the past few years (probably since 2017/2018) I have gained so much weight. Like, a lot. And it’s frustrating! I weighed myself this morning and have gained back weight and it is just so disheartening. I follow and see people on Instagram who are fitness people and influencers and it just pisses me off. Not because they are skinny or built or whatever but because they don’t know what it’s like to be a normal working person and try and lose weight/gain weight/etc. Their life is literally living fitness (not to say that it’s not hard). But their struggles are different. I am exhausted pretty much all the time. I work a 9-hour day, Monday through Friday, and have very little time for myself and/or a life. I read those quotes about “treating exercise like an appointment because you wouldn’t miss an appointment” yeah but I’d reschedule it if I couldn’t make it. Which I keep rescheduling my exercises and will to eat right. Because I don’t have time. No one has time. And, yes, realistically I probably do have time, but I don’t want to give the time I have. I know I’ve talked about this before, but I get home at 5/5:30p. It’s basically dark outside at that time. I can’t see super well at night, so I don’t feel comfortable running outside. “Well just go to the gym,” well I’m physically too large for the cardio machines. I live on the 3rd floor so I’m not going to do exercises there and piss off my downstairs neighbor. It’s just frustrating. And if something doesn’t change, the next 10-year challenge I’ll either be even larger (lord I hope not) or dead.

You ever feel like a hamster on the wheel? That’s how I feel. I can’t get out of my bad routine to make a change and I won’t make any changes until I’m out of my bad routine. And it feels like with dieting, I will do well during the week and then have one or two bad meals on the weekend, and everything falls apart.

How do you find motivation when there is none within? I don’t know that answer yet, but hopefully it will come. You’d think having a pending medical issue would give you motivation but, yeah no.

To end on a lighter note, I must remember that it is a true journey. Sometimes you have to turn around to remember where you started in order to move forward. Sometimes you are actually going in circles and you continue on because your map tells you to. But without veering off course or regrouping, you won’t get out of the circle.

I have got to get out of the circle…

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